How to engage, not deal with, Parents

Posted Posted in Athlete, Coach, Organization Executive, Parents

As we are about a month away now from fall seasons of various seasons starting to ramp up in hockey, ringette, basketball, soccer, volleyball, and other fall sports I thought this would be a good time to share some insight on the importance of engaging parents so that you can ultimately avoid some of the parental issues that coaches run into.

For many years I have shared out a video from Don Lucia for hockey clinics, his keynote address at the University of Minnesota to coincide with USA Hockey’s roll-out of their ADM (American Development Model) and he stars the keynote by saying;

 

 

“People think that I have the best job in the world (Head Coach of University of Minnesota Men’s Division I Hockey Team) but I would say that the best job would be the head coach in an orphanage ….. NO parents to deal with” Don Lucia

I immediately share with all the coaches that I will provide insight over the course of the one or two-day clinic how they can avoid dealing with, rather engage parents, to set themselves up for a great season.

This week I received an email from a coach mentor asking me for some insight how coaches can deal with various forms of conflict on their teams including how to deal with team conflicts, when team parents divide into to which I replied back it all comes down to how the coaches start the season and subsequent meetings as every team will go thru forming – storming – norming – performing stages that we shared in prior post “Coaching your team to grow, tackle challenges and deliver

Probably the #1 question I have had from coaches over the years is “how do I deal with parents” which then leads into a conversation where I reinforce the importance of engaging and supporting parents vs. dealing with them when they have issues.

As the old cliché goes, prevention is 99% of the cure, and one of the things that I learned very early coaching youth sports teams of both girls and boys was the importance of being proactive, vs. reactive, with my parent group and recognizing they were part of the team.

As the years have evolved, the dynamics of “parents” has changed also with single parents, divorced/separated, guardians or parents that are members of the LGBTQ community so has required adaptation as gone are the days where Dad is the breadwinner and Mom stays at home to raise the kids and take care of the house due to raising costs of mortgages and overall cost of living.

We also are now starting to work with several organizations who have identified the importance of parental support/education in part to address the issues that now seems commonplace with parents acting up in the stands/sidelines of games screaming or even getting into physical altercations with officials, coaches and players.

So how can you ENGAGE and support your parent group?

 

 

#1 – Start off by working on your seasonal plan well before the season starts to include;

  1. Practice Themes by month
  2. Game Schedules home and away
  3. Tournaments (ensure for out of town parents vote on)
  4. Timing and agenda’s for meet the coaches, parent-only meeting, player meeting(s), parent and player meetings, finance meetings and any others that will provide insight in terms of the ship going in the RIGHT direction

One of the main points to cover in all meetings is the reasons why kids PLAY, to begin with, which could even include sharing surveys of players which I have done for years, ask all your players as teams are formed the following;

 

  1. Why do you play X (whatever sport you are coaching)
  2. What is fun about it (#1 reason is fun)
  3. What is not fun about it?
  4. What support would you like from us (Coaches) and your parents?

BEST way – do this as an exercise in your player/parent meeting and ask parents similar questions then review to ensure that parents expectations align with the players (more often than not their expectations are results orientated (win the championship) and players are process orientated (make friends, get better at my skills)

Other items to consider for seasonal planning:

  1. Development focus and contracts with any third party development organizations (i.e. for dryland, skills coaches to come to practices, strength and conditioning, sport psychologists, nutritionists) contingent on the level that you are coaching.
  2. Baseline, Mid and End of Season Testing of players to PROVE that they have developed over the course of the season
  3. Individual and Team Goal Setting
  4. Identification of Team Values and Culture
  5. Communication preferences (i.e. Team Snap for the calendar, updates), email for meetings, face to face for issues (no email/text as they can be taking out of context and go viral)
  6. Budget flow (initial and subsequent cheques needed to cover team expenses)

 

#2 – The Meetings

A. Parents/Players meet the coaches – this is the opportunity for parents and players to meet coaches of teams BEFORE the season starts so the coaches can share their backgrounds, why they coach, their philosophies and executive summary of their seasonal plan

B. Parent Meeting once teams are formed – this is when coaches would do a deep dive into their philosophy, why they coach, backgrounds, goals for the team and players for the season and also touch on things like finance (budget), recruiting volunteers (manager, treasurer, safety people, assistant coaches, tournament coordinator, team parent, den dads/moms, snack coordinator, jersey keepers etc). This is also the time when coaches share their expectations for parental behavior in the stands/sidelines at games, practices or any other team function.

C. Team Meeting(s) – I traditionally have 3 early in the season (a) meet the coaches to share same info shared to parents, (b) ask players to come up with core values for THEIR team (coaches are merely the facilitators) and (c) Reviewing discipline for various forms of harassment (zero tolerance for any form)

D. Player/Parent Meeting – Review codes of conduct and all sign off on so can hold them accountable, review team goals, reinforce the importance for parents to understand reasons why their kids are playing and their goals

E. Coach Meeting(s) – One of the biggest challenges that newer head coaches have is they fall short in terms of recognizing that their assistant coaches also can provide valuable insight in terms of the team, practice playing, seasonal planning and also should be assigned specific responsibilities (head coach – big picture, assistants to work with goalies, defense and offense)

Communication – Coaches should share insight every week about team progress, scheduling, goals for practices, tips for parents and players, resources so all are on board. As the cliché goes, it takes a village to raise a child and is important that everyone is on board so that the ship moves in the right direction

 

#3 – Make it Fun

Depending on the sport, the season can be 3 months to as long as 8 so a few times per season I encourage coaches to have practices and event team events including parents so that they can develop chemistry.

Early season tournaments are a good means to do this, other activities may include things like non-related pickup sports activities like renting a gym and playing other sports where parents have opportunities to participate OR go to a theme park, play mini-golf, movies, the beach, biking and so forth.

One of the activities that I did with my Novice Hockey Team we named “Game On” and our kids would go to one of the parent’s houses on Sundays that we did not have games (our practices were during the week) and the players would play street hockey.

It started out pretty formally, parents would drop off their players for an hour only like it was a practice or game, but as the weeks, months evolved in the season the boys would ask can we PLAY longer, and Sunday happened to be NFL games parents would go inside to watch a game while the players played then parents were invited to join for GAME ON at times.

Playing street hockey as a parent with 8-year-old kids was so much fun for me and all the other parents.

In essence, whatever you can do to develop relationships not just with your players, but your parent group will set you up for a great season.

Let’s all work together to bring the game back to the kids … where it belongs

 

Don`t be a kids last coach

 

 BONUS – Download a free printable PDF of this blog HERE

 

Copyright 2019

PARADIGM Sports

When things change in minor hockey blog thumbnail

When things change in minor hockey

Posted Leave a commentPosted in Athlete, Coach, Organization Executive

 

 

…… Not Necessarily for the Better

I am in the midst of a move from my former warehouse with office buildout out to a full office layout to permit us to continue growing as an organization and host on-site workshops and parent education sessions starting this fall for groups from 20 to 100+ (more to follow on that front once we are settled in the new space).

My son and daughter gave me a hand this past Friday tearing down one of the workstations so we could move it to the other space where the first thing they said was WOW this is huge and is such a better layout than your old “office”. Then my daughter commented why I was bringing all my OLD stuff there in lieu of nicer/newer to which I said because there is nothing wrong with it.

I believe we could all learn a little from that type of old-school thinking when it comes to youth sports ( I believe kids should play with wood sticks until they are strong enough to benefit from the flex also), too many people are trying to keep up with the Jones on gear, teams without cluing in when it is all over it were all worth it.

In the course of the back and forth my son commented when he was looking at many of the team photos I have along the wall that was our impromptu boardroom (pictured below) when he was looking at the team poster I still had from a tournament our association hosted and he said “That was the best team I had in Hockey”.

 

I turned to him and said “Why? You played on so many teams over the years including all your AAA rep and Spring teams afterward”

His response?

“Because it was the best group of guys and coaches I had, and it was the most fun I ever had playing hockey.”

He was 8 years old that season, it was our H4 Novice Team thinking back I had to agree it was one of the best teams I had coached over the years also.

It was not due to the winning record we had, far from it, we only won a handful of games.

It was not due to any tournament wins (we lost all but one game in the three tournaments we played in)

That particular team was a mix of 5 new players, 5 who played a couple of years and 5 who were going into their 4th season.

The top player on our team, “Switch” (I nicknamed as he always prompted me to switch to play forward when his turn was to play D) whom I had not coached previously, was one that I identified even then could play at a high level, and he is now playing his third season of major journey hockey 11 years later. Another that I had coached the year prior also was drafted and has played 2 years of major junior.

Being that he was so far ahead of the rest of the group and could score at will, I knew the only way that those starting out would enjoy the seasons as we were still playing full ice games (which took a decade to change to cross ice) is I would have to promote team play.

I knew in tournaments that there was a rule called the Gretzky rule, where a player could only score 3 goals in a game and any goals after that would not count. The reason for the rule was to ensure that an early bloomer would not dominate a game, would focus on team play by not only scoring but assisting goals and all players would contribute.

To ensure that we played as a team in all games, I talked to him and his parents to see if they would buy-in to the Gretzky rule for all games, not just tournaments. One of his close friends was on our team who was one of our first year players and I used that as a selling point that I would like him and all the other new players to touch the puck, make and receive passes, get shots and ultimately every player on the team to score a goal before the season ended.

Both he and his parents said they were on board, so for every game, we played that season, he would score his 3 goals, in some games soon into the first period.

At times, when he would get the puck after, as he was so proficient on his core skills he would carry the puck into the zone, and as he and his parents were big fans of the game, although Gretz was way before his time, it did not take him long to figure out where his office was, behind the opposition net.

I will never forget one of the plays he made to set up his friend for his first goal, he waited patiently behind the net for his friend to get in position with his stick on the ice in front and in lieu of skating to either side to pass to him, he flipped the puck over the net and it landed right in front of his friends stick and he buried it while the goalies head was spinning.

He was 8 when he did that and the skills he demonstrated over the years I had the opportunity to coach him never ceased to amaze me.

The celebration that followed afterward was like we had won the Stanley Cup, all the coaches jumped up, the team skated on the ice, gloves, and sticks were flying everywhere and “Switch” was probably the one celebrating the most.

As the season went on, each time a player got his first goal, especially when Switch would get the assist, our team would celebrate.

Opposing teams and coaches thought we were nuts, in most instances we were down by 5 or more goals.

One of the other activities that made the season fun for players and parents alike was “Game On”, where one of the parents would host a street hockey day for the players and Sunday NFL football party for the parents. It started out initially as a one hour game, then turned into what it was like for many of us parents, a full day of playing on the street, almost every player would take turns putting the goalie gear on.

It was that season that I also started to see the whispers in the corners amongst parents, and it was then when I started to see the beginning for what is commonplace today, the recruiting process of Spring Hockey. Switch had been playing Spring hockey literally since he put skates on, others each year started to be recruited as well and the process started earlier and earlier.  I used to say parents were more concerned about what spring team their kids were on than winter so they could brag to others.

During that season I was pulled aside by Spring “Scouts” asking about Switch after many games and each time I would either talk to or send an email to his parents to which they would say, thanks but no thanks, he is happy where he is.

Each year thereafter I would get asked by parents what spring programs to try out for, I even was asked to coach for a few programs but I did not sway from my focus on Fun and skill development focus in Spring but found the majority of programs were pushing the envelope in terms of focusing on winning tournaments for bragging rights and costs were excessive as well.

As we only a few short weeks away from kids hitting the ice for their rep tryouts and recreational evaluations after what has now been a prolonged heat wave in Vancouver, I can’t help but think back when was it that we got caught up (as in me and my son) in the insanity of Spring Hockey and it was after that season when a coach recommended to me that my son could benefit from offseason skills development.

Fast forward 10+ years, only a handful of kids that I know that went down the competitive spring hockey path played beyond minor hockey, only 2 of the hundreds of kids I coached over the years reached the Major Junior Level and although both are very strong players, they were not drafted to the NHL.

Switches parents also came to me on many occasions that year saying he was having the best year ever on any team, a ton of fun and really loved how I coached. This was a kid that played on top level teams for several years so I was always humbled when they did so.

Although my son did play with him at the AAA level on a few teams after that Novice season, he was right, that was the best year, best team, the best group of parents of any of the teams we had. Once we entered the Rep Stream followed by Spring Hockey each year the level of competition ramped up to a point where it just did was not fun anymore and kids started quitting.

A colleague of mine said his son in Midget, was the last player in his age group to still be playing, just as when my son played he was one of last 3 from his original Atom Team (9-10)

We had a ton of fun even though we did not win many games, all the kids improved significantly, every kid on the team scored at least one goal that season and most of all, all returned to play the following year.

The last thing my son shared with me when we were talking about that team was how many times he got to play D with the other strong forward on our team, whom he hung out with frequently at the house playing in our driveway playing for hours on end.

That has always been my goal, to ensure that kids love the game more at the end of a season than they did at the beginning, and for that team, I can say they all did.

Sadly 10 years later, many of those kids from that team quit for various reasons, including my son after his Bantam AAA teams season where I was just a “Hockey Dad” watching his winning at all costs coach from the stands as he shared when he quit

“it’s just not fun anymore, there is too much BS”

Fortunately, he did not lose the love for the game completely, did play one more season of Midget AAA and is looking forward to playing beer league this fall with many of his cronies.

That is where 99.96% of the kids are headed IF we do our job right as coaches, unfortunately as parents with all the pressure of spiraling costs, dreams to play collegiately, junior or long shot playing professionally, we get caught up in the madness that is supposed to be a game played by kids.

In lieu, it has become more about the adults competing with other adults thru kids.

Let’s all work together to bring the game back to the kids … where it belongs.

PS Tagline - Dont be a kids last coach