Tag: volunteers

Wear your parent hat at home, coach hat at the rink/field.

Posted Glen MulcahyPosted in Coach, Organization Executive, Parents

Years back I started a tradition with my family as I was traveling extensively for my day job then and when traveling in lieu of buying various touristy items for my kids I opted to buying the latest movie that we would watch when I returned home.

Although my kids have now become adults, as they are still going to college/university, they still reside at home (much like every other 20 something in the lower mainland of Vancouver due to the high costs of housing) and last night we decided to watch “Antwone Fisher” based on a young man who lost his father when he was 2 months old and was given up for adoption by his mother and had an abusive foster family environment until he entered the Navy.

Due to various emotional issues, particularly anger the led to him getting into numerous fights, he was ordered to see the Navy Psychiatrist brilliantly portrayed by Denzel Washington who helped Antwone overcome the various emotional struggles he experienced from losing both his father, turned over to what was an abusive foster care environment by his birth mother and then he lost his best friend in his late teens.

You’re probably wondering why I am sharing this, but the reason I am doing so is that I can relate to Antwone’s journey on a few fronts which is why I get very emotional when I watch the movie.

#1 – Like Antwone, I lost my father when I was very young, at 8 years old and as a result of his work we had had moved 8 times already to be close to the buildings he managed (so can relate to all the military brats out there), but also how disappointed I was that he was unable to honour his promise to coach my baseball team as he died half way thru the season.

My favorite picture of my Dad that I actually took when we were on the train heading from Montreal to our new home in Vancouver when I was 7 years old

#2 – Like many youth without a father, I ended up hanging out with a group of misfits, my non-sport “friends” in my teen years but also continued to play various sports, in particular contact sports hockey, football and rugby as I too had issues with my temper from not having a Dad to turn to but the team mates in sports and coaches I had help me keep it in check, would say to me all the time to use my temper in a positive fashion by being tough to play against.

One of the main reasons that I am so passionate about sports and kids is all the amazing coaches that I had and team mates who helped steer me down the right path vs. “my friends” that went down the wrong path (many of which did not graduate high school, were imprisoned for various reasons so who knows where I would have ended up)

#3 – Although playing contact sports did keep my temper in check at times, one that I did not try and several said should have was boxing as I did in more than my fair share of bar brawls over the years into my mid  20’s until I lost my “first and last fight” (to that point I had lost a fight in any of the brawls I had been in) and was beaten up so bad that I made the original Rocky pic of Sly look like like he only had a couple of love taps that lead to me recovering from a concussion for several months and ended my collegiate rugby career and chance to represent Canada Nationally as I had been invited to attend the national camp later that year.

All of that is water under the bridge now, as I transitioned to working a day job to coach after I completed my post secondary education at night/weekends  and when I became a parent I made a promise to myself having lost my father so early that I would be there for my kids, be their coach like he couldn’t and support them to the best of my ability.

This Saturday I did a presentation of my core talk “Don’t be a Kid’s Last Coach” for Ontario Lacrosse virtual 4 day conference and shared a couple of tips for the coaches as majority of youth sports are parent coaches;

Tip #1 – When you are a parent coach, ensure you wear your parent hat at home/in the car and when get to the rink/field/court put your coach hat on and vice versa

When I shared that analogy to coincide with a video on the ride home that I have shared for a hockey clinic, one of the coaches came up to me during the break and was in tears and I asked him if he was ok and he said he never thought about it, but his 10 year old son shared with him that he was going to quit hockey as was not having fun that he was wearing his coach hat all the time.

He coached him at home, at the dinner, breakfast tables, in the car to and from the practices and games and shared with me that he will take my advice and only coach at the rink.

The clinic was in November, in March I received an email from the coach later that season sharing how appreciative he was of the advice and the relationship between him and his son was so much stronger and happier,  and his son was looking forward to playing soccer in the off season and told his dad thanks for being his coach and was looking forward to next season in hockey.

Tip #2 – Treat your son or daughter the same as all the other players and ensure they call you Coach when you have your coach hat on and Mom/Dad when you have your parent hat on.

Two things can happen when coaching your kids, you can either make them one of your favorites and give them more playing time, top lines, positions (which is the big reason why competitive hockey now has tried to go the non parent route but at huge cost for honorariums for coaches) OR you can be too hard on them.

The latter is one that I saw in my third year coaching minor hockey,, one of the coaches of the U8 team that shared ice with for practices would constantly scream at his son for making mistakes, although he was an early bloomer and one of the top players in our age group, I could tell every time his Dad did so he lost a little more of the joy he had for the game.  Although I would talk to his Dad numerous times when he beraded his son reminding him he was just a kid, game should be fun, treat him the same as others it went on deaf ears.

I heard the following year that his son had quit hockey and all other sports, his Dad also was not invited to come back to coach again as a result.

I know all too well how hard it can be as a parent coach to ensure you are not biased either way,  I also know how big of a time commitment it can be for all of us that juggle many things including work, perhaps other children, perhaps coaching multiple teams and sports as a result.

Although I know I made my mistakes as well, probably the greatest reward I received was when my son was 19 and was asked to play on a Junior Ball Hockey Team that several of his team mates and he had talked and asked if I would help coach the team as the head coach merely put up his hand as they were having a tough time finding coaches.

To which I humbly said, yes, I would be glad to help out and had a blast coaching my son and many of his friends who he grew up with playing a myriad of sports.

Sadly I don’t get to watch him or my daughter play youth sports any more, but I can look back with a big smile on my face how much I loved watching them and all their friends (part of my extended family) play the sports they loved and continue to be active in their adulthood.

At the end of the day, that is all we can ask for as parents and as coaches, if they play at a high level beyond their high school years that is just cherry on the cake.

PS Tagline - Dont be a kids last coach

 

Kudos to all Coach Parents

Posted Glen MulcahyLeave a commentPosted in Athlete, Coach, Early Sport Specialization, Organization Executive, Parents

And all other amazing volunteers in youth sports

BONUS – Download a Free Copy of this Blog in PDF Format HERE

 

In celebration of National Volunteer Week, I wanted to take this opportunity to provide Kudos to all the AMAZING people that I who have volunteered their time unselfishly so kids can play organized youth sports.

Although the model in the competitive stream has been evolving more to non-parent paid coaches who many feel are “more qualified” I beg to differ, there are many coach parents out there with decades of coaching experience that are AMAZING coaches whom those non-parents could learn from.

A couple of weeks ago I did a talk for North Shore Fastpitch and will be doing two talks for Langley Fastball next Monday and reminded me of my tenure coaching softball with the most dedicated volunteer EVER, Glenn Zwick, whom I highlighted in “Coaching Skills in Sport and Skills in Life”

Glenn was the head coach of my daughter’s softball teams all but one year that she played softball, the one year she played rep and had such a sour experience that she opted to return back to C ball.

Ironically she, like I, learned more about Softball and life under Glenn’s leadership than either of us working with other coaches or sports leaders.

The focus of that article was the importance of mentorship and how many people do so unselfishly.

What I want to highlight this go around are all the other volunteers that permit kids to play youth sports, to begin with.

Although much research coming forward is showing the optimal pathway for kids to develop their sports skills is to augment organized sports with unstructured free play, if people did not step up in various capacities in youth sports, kids would not be able to play they love (and hopefully love for years to come)

Kudos to all those that put their hand up to help coach various youth sports, in my case I coached softball, baseball, hockey, rugby and ball hockey after coaching adult co-ed slo-pitch which is hard to believe has been over 25 years of coaching and I still love it as much now as I did when I started.  The difference now is I am coaching coaches, supporting parents, volunteer board members, officials to attract, retain and grow their memberships and in doing so have the opportunity to reach so many more kids than just coaching one team at a time.

The majority of those that step up to coach share when prompted why they do so is due to the fact that they have skin in the game, their son or daughter are playing.

Probably the saddest example that a parent coach shared with me last year was the reason that he stepped up to coach hockey is his 9-year-old daughter told him after her first year of Atom Hockey that she was going to quit because she was scared of making mistakes and gave examples why.

Why?

Because the coach she had that season did not realize the impact of his words on his players and the importance of making it safe for them to fail.  He would single kids out for making mistakes in games, practices, at times with language not appropriate for any age group.

When the parent shared the story, literally everyone in the room, the majority of which were middle aged parents themselves (both Dads and Moms) eyes weeped up and even when I think about it now mine do as well.

Even though I believe her coach had the best of intentions when he started as all do, because of the current winning at all costs focus in many sports and most of the coaching certification provided to coaches relates to tactics, skill analysis, systems, rules, practice and game management they don’t develop their soft skills, how to coach, which is the basis of all of our modules.  They don’t know the best practices of coaching like growth mindset, the importance of connecting with their players and the emotional intelligence that the greatest coaches of all time developed after decades of coaching.

The greatest coach of all time, John Wooden, took 16 years to hone his craft before he won his first of many national championships as he knew the importance of being a great teacher of the game. He also believed in the importance of providing an environment for his players that was safe to fail.

 

Coaching girls who are playing on boys teams vs. all girls teams, coaches must adapt their coaching styles as there are differences when coaching girls vs. boys.

Coaches also must learn how to connect with their players, how to engage parents on their teams, how to make it safe (to fail and all forms of harassment), how to coach today’s generation Z, characteristics of great leaders, how to communicate effectively and so forth.

What I can say as I have traveled the country and interacted with thousands of coaches and all other volunteers that we rely on for kids to be able to play youth sports, I believe that there many more coach parents out there that are doing an AMAZING job as they truly are in it not just for their kids, but as I share with every coach when they say they are coaching because of their kids, “You have figured out that you adopted 10+ other kids also?”

To which they all say, yes, and they love being with all the kids and seeing not only develop their athletic skills, but as people.

Below is a great video which is a great perfect example why Kudos should be relayed to all of the coaches that Dwayne Wade had in his youth that not only guided him to become the future hall of famer he will be, but an amazing person.

Get your Kleenex out for this one.

I also want to take this opportunity to thank all of my amazing volunteer coaches who took me under their wing after my father passed away when I was 8 years old.

My father was a really good athlete, he played junior football and baseball to semi-pro until his 20’s and both I and my brother inherited his athletic genes.  In my youth, I played EVERYTHING, a lot of unstructured free play, but also a number of organized sports and had the opportunity to play on provincial winning teams in Hockey, Football and Rugby lead by GREAT Coaches.

Why were they great?

They pushed me to become the best I could be.

They taught me so many life lessons that I wish I had learned from my Dad, values like winning with humility, losing with dignity, respect, sportsmanship, selflessness, team work and important life skills like resiliency, leadership, communication, accountability, punctuality, commitment.

Another challenge that I had growing up is the fact my father had to live close to government buildings that he managed as a stationary engineer so every year from K to High School we moved so I was in a different school, different sports program which made it very difficult to develop friendships but the one constant for me was playing sports and I had so many amazing coaches that truly cared about me and were very passionate about the sports I played.

Those stops included many suburbs in Montreal,  Ottawa, Baffin Island (Northwest Territories), Vancouver, back to Montreal, Toronto then finally back to Vancouver and have resided there since.

There were in a sense, the very model for why I mentor coaches, students and even employees now and do so to give back as those coaches did for me.

It is one of the driving reasons why I wanted my kids to grow up in the same place and go to same schools year after year and also why every time they asked me to coach I did so with no hesitation.

When I entered High School we finally stopped moving year after year, my mother continued to support me and my brother to play 3 organized sports per year and went thru a real tough few years as became bitter having not had a father but when I look back at it, I had MANY fathers.

This is why I focus on mentoring grass roots coaches, the mothers and fathers who put their hands up every year to coach kids For the Love of the Game, to Give back/pay it forward and all the other reasons I shared in “Why do you Coach”

One of the tips that I share in talks is the importance for coach parents to wear their coach hat at the rink, court, field and their kids call them coach and when they leave (to/from) that they put their Mom or Dad hat on and vice versa.

Don’t coach your kids at home, the dinner table or in the car otherwise they may become one of the 70% of kids that are quitting youth sports before high school.

A Dad came to me when I was doing a clinic last year after I shared that anecdote and he said to me with tears in his eyes “my son told me he wanted to quit hockey because was not having fun and I did not even think I was over coaching him”

It’s a fine line for coach parents but without the 10’s of thousands that put their hand up across Canada, undergo all the certification that is being asked of them and now ongoing professional development credits, please ensure that your son or daughter treat them with respect, thank them for everything they do and if you are a parent and not coaching do the same.

Being a coach requires hundreds of hours of time to plan practices, manage games and all the stuff that goes on behind the scenes with managers, board members, officials to ensure that kids have an opportunity to play a game they love.

Thanks Coach for everything that you do.

Even though at times it may seem like a thankless gig, when one of your players comes to thank you at the end of the season or better yet shows up on your doorstep to say hi or as they even get older to go for a bevie, reach out to thank you for everything that you did, it is all worthwhile.

Thanks also to all the other amazing volunteers that keep the cogwheels of youth sports turning, board members, scorekeepers, timekeepers, managers, trainers, risk managers and all others that make it possible for kids to play youth sports.

Coaches, please ensure that you keep the game in perspective and remember the initial reasons that you started coaching, to begin with:

  • Make it Fun
  • Make it Safe
  • Teach Skills
  • Care Passionately

And most importantly …..

Don’t be a Kid’s Last Coach

Please ensure that the legacy that you leave behind is like Glenn’s and all the coaches that I had in my youth and it is a positive one and you are not a kid’s last coach.

Lets all work together to bring the game back to the kids … where it belongs.

 

 

 

 

 

Don't just talk the talk, but walk the walk blog thumbnail

Don’t just Talk the Talk, Walk the Walk

Posted Glen MulcahyLeave a commentPosted in Athlete, Coach, Organization Executive, Parents
As we are heading into a new fall season for various fall sports, ice hockey, soccer, volleyball, basketball and others, coaches will be meeting with parents, players and various other team meetings as they start their seasons. I am putting the finishing touches on two presentations I will be doing on Wednesday on behalf of Changing the Game Project for Nanaimo Minor Hockey and plan to share insight with coaches how they can engage, not deal with, parents and players on their teams. Reason? Because over the years running clinics, doing workshops, breakout sessions and keynote presentations, the #1 question that coaches ask me during or post talks is “Can you provide me some advice how to deal with problem parents and parents?” The first thing I say to them is that you need to shift your focus from dealing with, to engaging. These are a few tips on how you can do so as you start your upcoming seasons:

Run an effective parent meeting

If you have not done so already, regardless of what level you are coaching from Novice to Midget, recreation or competitive, if you want to avoid potential issues you may run into during the season, starting with a well planned parent meeting will address many of those potential issues up front.
  1. Be prepared to answer the first question that parents have, “Why should my child play for you?”  AKA – What is your coaching philosophy?
Many coaches that are just getting starting in their journeys as coaches don’t have a written philosophy, which outlines their core values and expectations for their teams. My written philosophy used to be several paragraphs but as I continued to gain experience, learn more as a coach, I tweaked it to a simple phrase; FUNdamentals, not winning, at all costs. If you have followed various contributions that I have made to various media, a key takeaway that I share with coaches and parents is the importance of making it fun. Many people say if you just want to have fun then play recreational sports as the expectation of competitive sports is to win. Yes, kids like to win, but the current win at all costs environment in sports is due to the adults focusing on the bottom 1/3 of what is fun in sports as Amanda Visek research findings found when she asked kid why they played sports.
In all the years that I asked kids why they played none said winning and although it was identified in Amanda’s study, was bottom 1/2.  Others in the bottom 1/3 were all adult driven as well (tournaments, specialty trainers for specialization, trophies (AKA participation trophies), travel and getting pictures taken (the thing I hated the most as a kid but did so to make my grandparents happy). Having played numerous competitive sports in my youth, including captaining provincial winning teams in 3 different sports (hockey, football and rugby), I can tell you first hand if the coaches focused on fun even when competing at the highest level, winning is the byproduct. Just ask any professional athlete or Olympian if you don’t believe me why they play as I have found out in my interaction with many high level athletes over the years.  Although seems like a distant memory, remember last Stanley Cup when the Golden Knights made it to the final in their inaugural season … how many of them stated in post game interviews they were have a ton of fun and keeping it light….
  • Have a detailed agenda for your meeting and be proactive by sharing the agenda in advance via email to all the parents

Key points to cover

  • Introductions of all the coaching team (each to share their philosophies, background and team goals for season)
  • Finance (Budget)
  • Season Plan (time for practices, games, development focus)
  • Volunteers (treasurer, manager, other coaches, trainer, fundraiser, tournament coordinator, snack coordinator)
  • Discipline / Zero Tolerance for any form of harassment
  • Expectations (Don’t just talk the Talk, but Walk the Walk)
It is this area where coaches set themselves for failure in the season, whenever I did not coach my kids on teams and I was just a dad, in addition to the coaches philosophies, they were the top things I wanted to know as do all parents.
Ensure that all members of the coaching staff have the opportunity to introduce themselves, don’t assume that parents know who they are or what their philosophies are (they should be aligned with yours) If you say something in your meeting, ensure that you follow thru and “walk the walk” to ensure that you maintain trust with parents. Doing so will prevent them questioning you why you did things in practices, will alleviate issues like playing time, disciplining players for inappropriate behavior, violation of team standards, as well as one of the most sensitive issues, the $$$$. All youth sports have become very costly, hockey being the most expensive, and for every line item on your budget ensure that you justify the expense.
  • Communicate regularly and consistently
Discuss how you (as in the head coach) and your assistants will communicate with the team, deal with any issues that arise and ensure that you enforce the 24 hour rule to ensure emotions are in check. My rule of thumb – NO EMAIL/TEXTS for issues, setup a meeting with the parents as emails can be taken out of context and can go viral Face to face communication is best or a phone call if setting up a meeting is not doable short term. It is more personal and will nip majority of issues in the bud but my experience if you run an effective parent and follow-up meeting early in the season majority of potential issues you will run into will be avoided I also recommend that you share resources to parents on consistent basis including websites, blogs, videos that reinforce the key agenda items and your philosophy. On our website home page we have a list of our various allies who share insight for coaches, parents, sport executive members as well as regular posts to various social media sites.
  • Team meetings – something I encourage you to do in the first team meeting is asking your players the following;
  1. Why are you playing X (the sport you are coaching)
  2. What is fun about it (as that will the answer from 95% of the players)
  3. What is not fun about it (this will help you ID red flags like the ride home, criticism, abuse, coaches playing favorites)
  4. What are the top 3 qualities that you would like to see from your team mates
This will help you define the team core values as every team you coach will have different players, coaches
  • Then meet with each player individually and go over their goals for the season, ones they believe the team should have
  • Lastly – have a follow-up meeting with the players AND parents to review their goals as well as education regarding the various forms of harassment that will not be tolerated including bullying, cyberbullying, hazing and ANY forms of abuse.
Other meetings in the season can be team building activities for both players and parents, finance updates, fundraising, tournament votes, planning. In sum, the more you talk the talk, walk the walk and communicate with your players, parents reduces ambiguity and will create an environment of trust. Too often, when I am asked to speak at events and I talk to executive members about their pain points that they would like me to address it comes down to issues they have with parents, players or the coaches themselves. Much of it is merely due to (a) lack of experience and (b) lack of clear, consistent and FAIR communication. Don’t be that coach that says one thing at the beginning the season and then reveal your true colours by screaming at kids, ignoring or avoiding parents, abusing officials, mandating expenses that were not approved or various other concerns that parents and exec members share with me. In lieu of focusing on the bottom 1/3 of what kids identified in Amanda’s research, focus on the top 6
  1. Give kids an opportunity “to try their best”
  2. Treat all your kids with respect
  3. Give them ALL playing playing time (exception being discipline)
  4. Provide them the opportunity to play well as a team by running efficient practices and praising effort (growth mindset) for making mistakes with positive error correction
  5. Ensure that you have team building activities early in the season and zero tolerance for all forms of harassment so all the players get along with each other (and ensure none are singled out by players or coaches)
  6. Ensure that a minimum 75% are active during all practices (avoid lines) and encourage all players to work on skills and be active 60+ minutes a day to ensure their conditioning levels are up for your season
If you do so, I can guarantee that you will have a tough season, but if you keep it in perspective and remember that it is all about the kids, keep it fun, make it safe, teach skills (of the game and life) and most importantly care passionately (the #1 characteristics of great coaches) you will not be a kid’s last coach. In lieu, they will love the game more at the end of the season than they did at the beginning. Let’s all work together to bring the game back to the kids … where it belongs.
Don`t be a kids last coach